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Entries in RJ Fried (2)


Essays From Crazy People: Why the Resistance To Me Shouting Nonsense Sounds Into This Megaphone?

By: RJ Fried

Thank you for your feedback, concerned citizens. In response, let me just say that, whenever I get my panties in a bunch, I like to put things in perspective. That means reminding myself that, at the end of the day, we are all just a bunch of cells smacking into each other on a big ol’ rock revolving around an even bigger ball of fire in some corner of this humongous slab of space we call "our universe." That's all we are! Nuttin' but a bunch of little smackers. If that's the case (hint-hint: it is), then why get riled up about small stuff like me standing in the center of our town’s busiest intersection everyday from 5am to 10pm shouting nonsense sounds as loud as I can into a megaphone?

If anything, you should applaud me for pursuing my passion for shouting. Sure, tomorrow I might take interest in a different activity – I've always thought it'd be fun to paint trees – but today my passion is shouting at the top of my lungs. I'm a shoutin' gal head to toe and back again!

More importantly, you don't need to listen to my shouting. It's basically various animal noises, imitations of mechanical clacks and bangs, and any vocally expressible thing that happens to pop into my head – in other words, complete and utter nonsense. If I shouted something of value, you might feel compelled to stop and listen and be late for work, slowing production of our town’s material goods and potentially hurting our local economy.

Knock-knock, who's there, it’s urban decay.

Now that’s a cause for concern. Fortunately, it’s not the case here – this is just a sassy lady shouting away, occasionally taking a break to replace her megaphone’s batteries or gargle some saltwater.

And, frankly, I don't think it’s fair to suggest I do my shouting in the basement of my house and only during a reasonable hour. First of all, I’ve been so busy shouting these past few years that I haven’t gotten around to purchasing a house. I live in a condo in a hip part of town and I love it.

Second, let's say your passion was playing soccer. How would you react if I insisted you only kicked your soccer ball inside your basement and only for a half hour per day? Uh oh! Open mouth, insert turned table. I’ll tell you how you’d react, kemo sabe: you would become so frustrated that you’d quit your passion and now the world is one soccer player short because of a few whistleblowers with a voice louder than the silent majority. I bet if we polled all these pedestrians, a majority would say that my shouting is a positive influence on their day and, if they don't, they’re lying.

RJ Fried is co-creator/writer for Popzilla (MTV), contributing writer for Onion Sports Network (Comedy Central), a contributing writer for Huffington Post-Comedy, and a UCB-NY writing instructor.


Essays From Crazy People: The Next Words Out of Your Mouth Better Be ‘I Will Sell You 300 Credenzas’

By: RJ Fried

Wait a minute.  I just realized the reason you refuse to sell me three hundred credenzas: I don’t have any money.  Now it all makes perfect sense!  To think: a moneyless man attempting a purchase.  I must appear like such a fool!  Oh wait – what’s in these sacks here?  It’s glorious money.  And a sufficient amount.  Hooray!

But wait – the successful installation of three hundred credenzas into my place of residence hinges on more than just currency.  It also requires the means to transport the credenzas.  Dearest me – I’ve forgotten the transaction’s second and perhaps equally important part. All is lost!  The ownership of the credenzas has been thrust back into the balance!  Unless… wait… I just remembered that I rented those thirty huge moving trucks parked outside.  I’ve nullified the last reason to sell me three hundred credenzas.  Yippee!

Now why the hell won’t you sell me three hundred credenzas?

If you must know why I’d like to purchase them, here it is: I’m hosting some distinguished guests for an upcoming event and decorum demands some surfaces for the dessert trays.  That’s not true, but if we accepted that imaginary scenario as real, then would you find it fit to complete the transaction?  Must I carelessly kick holes in the fence between fact and fiction just so that I may own three hundred credenzas?  They’re wooden buffet tables with drawers, you sick sonuvabitch! Not a reason to tear down our universal understanding of Truth.

Personally, I don’t believe that you "don't have three hundred credenzas in stock, but would happily order them on my behalf."  This is a furniture store.  All you sell is furniture.  If I was requesting, say, three hundred luxury sedans, I would understand such a reaction: "Would love to help you, sir, but this establishment is a furniture store through and through.  Perhaps the car dealership across the street might fulfill your needs." Reply: "Thank you for your help, sir.  This fine outfit will come to mind next time I’m in the market for furniture – credenzas perhaps."

Wait, I've got it!  The problem must be that I only want to purchase three hundred and that’s not enough for a furniture store of such high regard.  If propagating the myth that a change of heart inspires me to purchase four hundred credenzas makes three hundred credenzas 'magically' appear, then please wait while I remove my shoes and plunge bottom first into that sea of liars that I so profoundly dread.  I just wish I could see the flummoxed look on your face when you discover your loading dock hidden beneath one hundred abandoned credenzas.  If I possessed an artist's skill, paint it and hang it upon my mantle, I most surely would!

RJ Fried is co-creator/writer for Popzilla (MTV), contributing writer for Onion Sports Network (Comedy Central), a contributing writer for Huffington Post-Comedy, and a UCB-NY writing instructor.