The Apiary


Advertise on the NYC BlogAds Network.


Syndicate this site (XML)

Site built and designed by

Logo designed by Tim Bierbaum

Video of the Day
Eleven Heads on 11/11 | Koren Ensemble
Fanatical About

« Keith Huang's Bachelor Recipes #1 | Main | Al Gore’s Online Dating Profile »

Essays From Crazy People: The Next Words Out of Your Mouth Better Be ‘I Will Sell You 300 Credenzas’

By: RJ Fried

Wait a minute.  I just realized the reason you refuse to sell me three hundred credenzas: I don’t have any money.  Now it all makes perfect sense!  To think: a moneyless man attempting a purchase.  I must appear like such a fool!  Oh wait – what’s in these sacks here?  It’s glorious money.  And a sufficient amount.  Hooray!

But wait – the successful installation of three hundred credenzas into my place of residence hinges on more than just currency.  It also requires the means to transport the credenzas.  Dearest me – I’ve forgotten the transaction’s second and perhaps equally important part. All is lost!  The ownership of the credenzas has been thrust back into the balance!  Unless… wait… I just remembered that I rented those thirty huge moving trucks parked outside.  I’ve nullified the last reason to sell me three hundred credenzas.  Yippee!

Now why the hell won’t you sell me three hundred credenzas?

If you must know why I’d like to purchase them, here it is: I’m hosting some distinguished guests for an upcoming event and decorum demands some surfaces for the dessert trays.  That’s not true, but if we accepted that imaginary scenario as real, then would you find it fit to complete the transaction?  Must I carelessly kick holes in the fence between fact and fiction just so that I may own three hundred credenzas?  They’re wooden buffet tables with drawers, you sick sonuvabitch! Not a reason to tear down our universal understanding of Truth.

Personally, I don’t believe that you "don't have three hundred credenzas in stock, but would happily order them on my behalf."  This is a furniture store.  All you sell is furniture.  If I was requesting, say, three hundred luxury sedans, I would understand such a reaction: "Would love to help you, sir, but this establishment is a furniture store through and through.  Perhaps the car dealership across the street might fulfill your needs." Reply: "Thank you for your help, sir.  This fine outfit will come to mind next time I’m in the market for furniture – credenzas perhaps."

Wait, I've got it!  The problem must be that I only want to purchase three hundred and that’s not enough for a furniture store of such high regard.  If propagating the myth that a change of heart inspires me to purchase four hundred credenzas makes three hundred credenzas 'magically' appear, then please wait while I remove my shoes and plunge bottom first into that sea of liars that I so profoundly dread.  I just wish I could see the flummoxed look on your face when you discover your loading dock hidden beneath one hundred abandoned credenzas.  If I possessed an artist's skill, paint it and hang it upon my mantle, I most surely would!

RJ Fried is co-creator/writer for Popzilla (MTV), contributing writer for Onion Sports Network (Comedy Central), a contributing writer for Huffington Post-Comedy, and a UCB-NY writing instructor.

Reader Comments

There are no comments for this journal entry. To create a new comment, use the form below.

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>