By: Meghan O'Keefe
It's Valentine's Day and you are a young, witty, reasonably attractive New Yorker who happens to be single.
The question is how do you plan on dealing with this? Do you try to ignore the day and enjoy a low key night in, wrapped in blankets, drinking cheap booze and watching DVDs?
Or do you take your friend Todd up on his offer to hit up a Valentine's Day speed-dating night at a bar?
To stay in, read on. To elect to go out with Todd, skip ahead to section "THIS GUN BE GOOD."
You do the sensible thing and order delivery. You get in your pjs and settle in with a six pack of beer, your food and your favorite dvds. As the night wears on, and as you drink more, something begins to happen. You begin to feel lonely and restless.
Every scene you watch, every line of dialogue is a reminder that you are home alone and the rest of the city has someone to share their night with. If you choose to accept this, read on. If you decide that you want to join Todd after all, skip to "AWKWARD..."
You drink some more and talk to yourself in the mirror pretending you're confronting every person who ever broke your heart. Your roommate stumbles in late and wonders if you're okay.
You assure your roommate that you've never been better and go to bed. You then cry yourself to sleep, but before you drift off into dreamland you hear a solitary wolf howl to the moon, and somehow you feel in your heart in that moment that you are not alone. The wolf understands you and you understand the wolf. And then you realize you live in the city and that wolves do not live in the city. It does not matter. That wolf is now your soul. Skip to "THE MORNING AFTER."
On your way to the bar with Todd you notice a group of sexy European models enter a swanky club. Your buddy, Todd, rolls his eyes and wisecracks, "Ugh...it's fashion week, isn't it?" As he says this, one of the models glances at you and winks. You feel slightly worried that this might be a joke so you smile nervously. The model smiles back before entering the club with the rest of the beautiful people. "What was that about?" Todd asks.
To answer, "I don't know. That was pretty weird. Hey, do you think Jon Stewart has stepped over the line of media commentator and become a political force in and of himself, or what?" and continue on to speed dating at the bar, go to "AWKWARD."
To answer, "Sorry, Todd, but you'll have to go on without me. The speed daters need you and destiny needs me," and follow the models into the club, skip ahead to "DATE WITH DESTINY."
When you finally reach the bar you realize that the place is packed.
There are a lot of single people in New York. Which is kind of weird because if this many people in New York are single and unhappy about it, you would think that logically they could all get together and couple off and be happy, but somehow that hasn't happened.
The only explanation is that all single people have something wrong with them, but that would mean there is something wrong with you, and that can't be right. You are awesome. And so is Todd. And so is...What? Your college friend is here? The one you kind of had a crush on but never acted on it?
Whoa. That's crazy. Your college pal approaches with a smile and is equally happy to see you. To awkwardly say, "Oh, wow. Hi. What's up? Are you doing speed dating, too? I've always been kind of in love with you. You're amazing. We could have attractive children someday. Uh...did you watch the Grammy's last night?" skip to "THIS IS A MISTAKE."
To awkwardly say, "Oh, wow. Hi. What's up? Are you doing speed dating, too? That's cool. Talk to you in a few!" and start speed dating, read on.
You start speed dating and quickly realize that even though there are a couple of crazy people in the mix, it's a generally okay crowd. There's one person you really hit it off with. There's tons of flirting and you find yourself exchanging numbers before your speed round is up.
Future coffee date for the win! Finally you're paired with your old college friend. You still feel a spark, but you're too awkward to tell if your old friend feels it, too. You keep your conversation confined to the weather and Christopher Nolan films.
Your friend tries to awkwardly say something, but then a bell sounds. Speed dating is over. To flirt some more with your coffee date at the bar, make out with them later against a dumpster, go to two other bars with Todd and then collapse into bed, jump to "THE MORNING AFTER." To ask your friend, "What's up?" and then watch them start to cry, read "THIS IS A MISTAKE."
Tears well up in your friend's eyes. "I'm...uh...sorry..." you stammer, completely confused as to what to do. Your friend hiccups through tears, "It's just...I've always looked back at college with one regret: we should have done it." You are taken aback.
"Really? That's what I think, too." You guys both look at each other and realize you're going to be going home together. You also realize that it's probably a mistake, but since you don't know that for sure, you drink some more and take a cab back to your place and you know, sexy stuff happens. Skip to "THE MORNING AFTER."
A doorman immediately tries to stop you from entering the club. You point to the models and luckily, the one who flirted with you recognizes you and nods you in. You feel like a god. When you approach them, the model who winked at you immediately embraces you and shoves their tongue down your throat.
It's a bit forward for you, so you try to introduce yourself to everyone first. They all have stern expressions and Russian names. You try to make small talk about fashion week, but the only thing you know about fashion is from Project Runway so you mutter something about Tim Gunn. No one smiles in recognition. In fact, they ignore you completely and speak to each other in fast Russian, with the exception of your makeout partner who is now groping you.
As the second round of drinks is served you notice that a few of the people in the group are carrying guns. "Oh, wait a minute..." you say to yourself in sober internal monologue form, "They aren't models...they're members of the Russian mafia. OH..."
To try to politely excuse yourself and meet up with Todd in the safe world of speed dating, skip back to "AWKWARD." To say the hell with it. I've always wanted to live dangerously, read on.
As the night wears on, you drink more and the men in the Russian mafia group become more and more friendly. One of them leans over and whispers in your ear in a thick accent, "Vould you be a friend and help us vith something?"
You are a drunk god and say, "Sure!" The mafia guy then says, "Vould you help us kill a man?" To say "Yes, I have a lot of rage buried inside of me", skip to "YOU KILLED A MAN". To say "No, I have issues with violence because I once saw a kid throw rocks at a dog and it scarred me for life", skip to "YOU ARE IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR."
You have a hangover and have killed a man.
You have a hangover and are in the trunk of a car.
You have a hangover.
Congratulations! You had an adventure!