In Katy Perry's hit single Firework , she famously asks, "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Or one that's on the face of the guy making your churros at Costco?" I didn't know what Katy was talking about until yesterday when I went to buy churros at the Costco concession stand. The guy making them had a hairnet on his head... AND A HAIRNET ON HIS BEARD!

I stepped out of line to compose myself. I contemplated taking a picture of the dude but then I felt really sad and concerned about the world.  The Costco executive who wrote this absurd hairnet policy into the employee handbook should be thrown out a window. Why must I order from a guy wearing a bag on his face?  How can either of us take this transaction seriously? I'm not buying Intel Pentium chips, just a couple of snacks!

I mean, is beard hair really that big of a threat?  Do beards even shed? Is my beard shedding? Oh my god, did I drop a facial hair in the dish I made for the potluck I'm going to tonight? Is it true the average human consumes over 70 facial hairs throughout their lifetime??

Anyways, I did some research and found 5 pictures of people wearing beard hairnets.

You're probably thinking what I was thinking: NONE OF THESE PREVENT NOSEHAIR OR EYEBROWS FROM FALLING INTO MY FOOD! I came up with an elegant solution just for that problem. Take a regular bag like this one I got from my mom's grocery bag collection and place it on your head. For optimal containment, be sure to tie it tightly around your neck so no hair can escape. If you're a teen, you can add sunglasses or a doo rag, so you can still rock a cool look while staying within whatever stupid food prep guidelines your employer has embarrassingly forced upon you.