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An Open Letter to Alexander Skarsgård

By: Brian Perry

Dear Alexander Skarsgård,

Stay away from my wife.

I've put a lot of time and effort into this relationship and I'm not about to let you swoop in with your slicked back blonde hair, black leather jacket, and impossibly good looks and steal my wife.  I refuse to let you waltz into my home (after being invited in) and use your trendy vampire skills to take a bloody bite out of the sanctity of my marriage. You don't fool me for one second Mr. Skarsgård -- I know you're not really a vampire. My wife on the other hand, she appears to be too busy swooning to know the difference.

Until this horrible vampire fad passes and she snaps out of it, stay the hell away from my wife.

I know she loves me, but clearly your influence is something beyond her conscious control. On Sunday night as I sit dutifully by her side on the couch during True Blood, I can't help but notice how she looks at the TV. She stares beyond the plasma screen hoping that if she concentrates hard enough she'll be transported right into the broadly drawn stereotype that is Bon Temps, Louisiana.

Do you know how tough it is to watch the future mother of my children sexually mesmerized like that? Of course you don't -- you just glamour any woman you want with your vampire stud powers and drag her down to your underground sex chamber.

This vampire bullshit does not follow the rules of engagement. Let's just pretend that my wife is garlic encased in sterling silver outside at noon on a hot summer day.

Why couldn't we just battle this out on a level playing field? East Coast software guy with social anxiety versus Swedish actor once nominated for a Guldbagge Award. That's a battle I feel like I can win. But instead you've got to stack the deck and make sure that every couple of episodes contain a completely unnecessary extended shot of your naked ass. It's essentially another vampire spell, just with more sweaty glistening ass. You've also cameoed in both the movie Zoolander and Lady Gaga's Paparazzi video. If that doesn't completely corner the tastes of the world's women (and I suppose gay men as well), I don't know what does. Don't try so hard Skarsgård, it's kind of pathetic.

Would you prefer to hear it in your native tongue? Stanna borta från min hustru.

The vampire killer in me has been awakened and I won't rest until my wife notices my own sexual inadequacies during our occasional lovemaking sessions rather than envisioning a pale Swedish vampire on my also pale, but otherwise completely different frame. I've read ahead in the Sookie Stackhouse books and the good guys win.

In conclusion: Stay away from my wife.



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Reader Comments (24)

"I've read ahead in the Sookie Stackhouse books and the good guys win." Thanks for the spoiler dickface

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFuck you

This was funny/sad/understandable but the new thing is to give in and just let him mezmerize you as well;
Then you can dream together! :) lol.

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLol

First of all... "I've read ahead in the Sookie Stackhouse books and the good guys win." is NOT a spoiler. I've read them all not a spoiler sorry...

Second of all... OMG that was stinking funny! I totally understand where your wife is coming from sorry. From a female perspective there is just something very inviting and sexy about Alex and his character Eric.

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

(Skarsgard being drunk and gay above. Video is legit from a Beyond The Pole-special feature.)

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLol

Actually, if you've truly read ahead in the Sookie Stackhouse books, then you'll know that *spoiler alert* Eric does in fact, WIN.

And BTW, if Skarsgard wants your wife...he can simply take her. ;)

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary

Did my husband write this???

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

LMAO,My husband & I truly enjoyed the above letter! My husband of over 20 years & I just had our last child leave for collage. We have the TV & the entire house to ourselves. It is simply wonderful knowing that each Sunday night we sit down together anticipating for the start of a suspenseful evening of Entertainment. The more that Eric is in the show the more thankful my husband is to Eric & the writers of the show. You see in our home it's a known positive for my husband, with all the pend up energy after the show. That he's the tool or should i say my husband has the only tool to help with all the sexual tention that Eric has caused.Thanks for helping to rekindling our wild side. MoreEric, MoreEric!

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngelica

For those who thought the last line of this article was a spoiler, here are some other spoilers for you:

Star Wars - the good guys win
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen - they good guys win
Thelma and Louise - Thelma and Louise drive off a cliff. (ok, maybe that one was a spoiler)

Thanks for reading!

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBrian Perry

Sorry to have to break this to you~but your wife's not the only one who's totally obcessed
with Alexander Johan Haljmar Skarsgard~ Not by a Super Long Shot.
There are millions of other women all over the United States,Europe,Italy,UK,Australia, and of
course his native Sweden who are totally obcessed with him!!!
Alexander is Charlaine Harris's "Eric Northman Come to Life".
The casting of this 6'4 1/2",Blond haired,Blue/Green, Swedish hunk was kismet.
Too bad that TrueBlood doesn't really have super sexy women for the men to oogle.
TrueBlood's "Crack Cocaine for Women~over the age of 25".
I'm 56, married for 32+ years.
My husband "just puts up with my obcession."
Learn to live with it ~ that is till the series is Over~ Whenever that will be,who knows?????
By the way,the show's been picked up for Season 4~which will be in Summer 2011.

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarleneEmmett

I think Brian needs a reality check. Alexander Skarsgard is only playing a role on TV. If women are attracted that kind of man then so be it. There are a lot of women that men are attracted to like Pamela Anderson, Cindy Crawford, Julia Roberts and you don't see us women writing letters to them telling them not to come to our house. He needs to chill and know that his wife loves him and that alexander skarsgard can't change that.

July 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Elizabeth, it's supposed to be funny lol it's a joke so take it as one and don't take it so seriously. He is not sending the letter to Alexander and I doubt he is really upset. He doesn't need a reality check but apparent a sense of humor is needed before reading his letter.

Brian, loved the letter it was so funny and just know there are many husbands out there who feel the same way. Use it to your advantage ;-) maybe even buy some fangs lol role playing is always fun

July 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGlamoured by Northman

Awesome! The spoiler ain't exactly right but its hella funny.

July 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAudrey B

Oh my gosh. This is so funny!
So it's okay to for men to dream about... let's say Megan Fox, Scarlett Johanssen or Christina Hendricks. BUT, women can't have fantasies? ARE U KIDDING ME?
And, as a matter of fact, that's a fictional character... so u don't have to be so afraid.
It's perfectly normal to feel some attraction to a supernatural creature. It's just a fantasy. Get over it.

July 10, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjinnna

This is hysterical and my hubby agrees with every word. need to brush up on your Sookie Stackhouse lore. Eric PWNS ALL.

July 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTina

Depends on your definition of "good guy." In my definition you are correct. But I don't think you actually read the books, so you maybe should wait to actually pronounce who wins....muahahahahaha! ;-) Eric is absolutely this woman's fantasy man...

July 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKathy

Can't wait to show this to my sisters and my husband. He'll get a kick out of it. Ah, the Skarsgaard spell is hard to break. But as my husband can attest to, there are benefits to be reaped afterwards!!!!

July 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNatacha

Lol sry hunny Eric gets sookie in the last books.
And I luv this letter!! I wish I could write a letter like that!! U should write me one for Stephen moyer!!!! Oooo baby

July 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAsheleigh

Actually,You havent read that far ahead apparently. In the books the so called "good guys" your talking about.Dont.
That kind of ruined your letter,do your research better.

July 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth Plath

wait...did my boyfriend write this? frank is that you!?! dammit frank I told you eric isn't real! its alex you have to worry about :D

July 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermerik

OMG!!! it is because of madman like that, who mixed has the reality and fiction that stars are made agress or killing (like lennon john)
Lock this man!!! his wife dont merite a crazy man like that!!!

take care Alexander......

July 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjosee landry

Actually, I thought the letter was hilarious. There is something about a 1000 year old Viking vamp, isn't there. My husband just gets up and goes to bed on Sunday night when my dose of True Blood comes on. Thank God for DVR because I always have to come in 10-15 minutes late when he finally relinquishes the remote. When that happens, I grab and Coke and settle in with a sigh. He rolls his eyes and walks away. It's a nice arrangement I think. Anyway, thank you for every Sunday during the summer Alex/Eric.

July 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStacie

this letter is hysterical!

p.s. alex is more than welcome to come into my home at any point of any day and ravage me......sigh

July 21, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteralexenthralled<3

I've told my husband a thousand times... We don't have the money for an oversaes trip to Louisiana, so don't worry. Stockholm on the other hand is practically in my backyard. When exactly does Alex stay there? :p

July 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterErica

Alexander was just in Sweden to film the movie "Melanchoilia" with his dad Stellen.
And he got to see his brothers and sister, and Mom.

September 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarleneEmmett

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