An Open Letter to People Magazine
Friday, November 19, 2010 at 4:06PM
By:
Dear People at People :
As a feral, sexually expressive young woman, I am dismayed by this year's pick for Sexiest Man Alive: Ryan Reynolds.
I realize your choice was made based upon box office popularity, public relations deals and Mr. Reynolds' willingness to give you tidbits about his personal life with Scarlett Johansson, all so he can sell us as the Green Lantern in eight months. However, sexiness is something that should be determined by one's loins. Here's a list of men that get me going, and who I think should be put into consideration for next year.
The corpse of Jeff Buckley
There's nothing more romantic than the myth of a handsome artist who lived fast, died young and left behind a great looking corpse. Jeff Buckley is the most pretentiously obscure of these myths and therefore the sexiest. Also, he didn't die in a car crash, from an addiction or suicide. He drowned. Nature decided he was too sexy to live, so why wasn't he sexy enough to be put on your list?
Gary Oldman
Every girl secretly wants to mold her boyfriend into the man of her dreams, and Gary Oldman is willing to transform himself into whatever you want him to be. He'll be a classical composer or a punk rocker. He'll be a scary vampire, or a sexy vampire, or a sexy and scary vampire. Have you seen the Harry Potter movies? He can transform into a dog! He was even a nice guy in a movie once. He's every sexual fantasy rolled into one British character actor. Ryan Reynolds can do snarky hot guy, but can he do Southern future space villain?
A Muppet. Any Muppet.
Muppets have soft skin, flexible bodies and the kind of joie de vivre you seldom see in real men anymore. Yes, they are puppets and they lack sexual organs, but Muppets also represent the triumph of the creative spirit. Isn't creativity what makes sex stay fun? Wither Rolf, People magazine?
Professor Richard A. Gabriel of the History Channel
Here's a man who knows how to rock a denim shirt. Is there anything sexier than a grown man talking about the battle strategies of Biblical heroes while loinclothed actors recreate the moments on screen? If there was, my body would orgasmically explode. Battles BC is the True Blood of intellectuals.
Jon Hamm
Oh. Wait. You put him on your website. My bad. Play on, People Magazine . Maybe next year you could do us all a solid and put him on your cover. Those hooks he wears on 30 Rock are the definition of kinky. Meow.
why do you put Jennifer Aniston on the cover and list for the most beautiful woman.Are you guys all blind.This is one ugly woman.She has a crooked jaw,horse chin,eyes too close together,paper slits for lips,mannish looking face.This is what you call beautiful?Who in the hell picks the people.Her mother?Your making people start mocking you.Know one can take you seriously anymore when you pick her.Do you think that we don't have eyes and wouldn't notice how bad this woman is?Your losing all of your credibility.