Halloween has always been a time to be scared. When you were a kid, you were afraid of vampires and werewolves and other creatures (that now make great boyfriend material!). When you were a teenager, you were afraid you’d be caught drinking by your parents at the local haunted hayride. Now that you’re an adult, it’s anxiety about Halloween itself that’s bringing you down. Here are some easy ways to combat the panic attacks associated with the scariest night of the year.
Halloween Nightmare! Your costume is completely unoriginal. You show up to a Chelsea shindig decked out as Lady Gaga, only 14 other women and 6 other men are also dressed as her. What’s worse? Those dudes have way better wigs than the re-appropriated Marilyn Monroe one you borrowed from your sister.
How to fix it: Tell everyone you’re Roisin Murphy. Who? Oh, you know Roisin Murphy-the lesser known, less pop radio friendly songstress from Ireland whose personal style was almost entirely stolen by Lady Gaga. You won’t just show up all those Gaga knockoffs in the room, but you’ll also win over the most pretentious pop music lovers in the joint.
Halloween Nightmare! You are a single, lonely, and insecure lady. You want to hook up with someone, but you don’t want to be something “sexy” because being something “sexy” broadcasts to the men of the world that just how single, lonely, and insecure you are. The only dudes you’ll be attracting are creepsters who dress up like The Situation year ’round.
How to fix it: Go as internet meme “Forever Alone.” But a SEXY “Forever Alone”. Print a large jpg of the image and wear it as a mask. The rest of your costume is just you wearing your hottest, most flattering outfit. Smart single guys will think your costume is self-deprecating and witty. Smart single guys will check out your ass. Even if you strike out, you can at least say you’ve admitted the problem to yourself, and admitting that you’re going to die alone with dozens of cats is the first step of acceptance.
Halloween Nightmare! You are broke. You had to spend all your extra money this month on a sweet interview suit to land a job in this icky economy. So you can’t afford the Batman or Joker costume of your Dark Knight loving dreams. You also didn’t land the job. You kept asking the HR rep, “Why so serious?”
How to fix it: You have two options, three piece suit owner. Wear a burlap sack over your head and call yourself the Scarecrow OR throw acid on one side of your face and be Harvey Dent. There’s also the third option. Get over The Dark Knight already! It was two years ago. Even Christopher Nolan’s moved on. Just wear your suit, carry a silver top and ask everyone if they think they are dreaming or not.
Halloween Nightmare! You have a baby and you can’t find a sitter for Halloween, because it’s HALLOWEEN. Why would anyone want to watch your kid spit up when they could do body shots off of a fat kid dressed like Betty White?
How to fix it: Go to any and every party you want as Jareth, the Goblin King from Labyrinth. It’s David Bowie, so both moms and dads can pull this off. Your baby is no longer a party-time burden–it’s the prop that makes your costume the best in the room! Go on. Do it. And take a shot everytime someone points at your kids and starts…”You remind me of the babe..” You’ll get hammered so fast the girls dressed like sexy muppets will look like your puppet servants.
Halloween Nightmare! You are an anti-social dweeb. You don’t see the big deal about Halloween because you hang around graveyards year round. You need a costume because you’re being forced to go to a party by one of your D&D buds.
How to fix it: Go as one of the Facebook founders. Just show up to any bar in your favorite hoodie and sandals and be your Asperger-y self. Nervously checking your Droid for new DeviantArt drawings of dragons will only help you pull this off. It’s perfect. And if you can commit to it hard enough, you might convince a cosplay schoolgirl that you’re the real deal.