The Apiary


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Entries in Angry Birds (1)


Why Are the Angry Birds Such Serious A-Holes?

It seems the BIRDBRAINS behind the Angry Birds series have finally FLOWN OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST! 

In previous versions of the popular mobile game about the struggle between birds and pigs, the pigs are generally depicted as henchmen up to no good. They hang out on innocuous structures of wood and ice, figuring out how they're going to steal more bird eggs.  Naturally, those hogs had it coming.

With the release of the Valentines Day edition yesterday, Hogs and Kisses, the birds have become so angry, they're now gunning for pigs IN THEIR OWN HOMES, mercilessly slaughtering whole families of innocents. Someone needs to put these birds on the NO-FLY LIST because they're worse than terrorists. What is their problem?? Here are some examples of new Angry Birds levels that require war-crimes to complete. 


Example #1: As Dad tends to his box of explosives, Mom enjoys a crisp mid-winter day on the back porch proudly watching her kids in the throes of their youth. "What do you guys want for dinner?" she asks. "Slop! Duhhh!" they chime back in unison, swinging on the playset their father built with his bare hands. They might all grow up to become astronauts, just like Mark Kelly. The future is bright, right?  Little do they know, their lives are about to turn into that home inspection scene from Inglourious Basterds. Except no one escapes alive!


Example #2: Here's a young professional couple who are enjoying a pleasant dinner together. Maybe they just closed on the house, or one of them got a raise--either way, they're celebrating the life and the love that they share. Hope they have bloodbath insurance!  It's safe to assume those mini-piglets under the table symbolize the girl pig's fecund womb. (Twinsies!!) Now I've heard of dissecting pig fetuses in high school biology class, but this is something else entirely. If these birds are intent on performing POULTRY-BIRTH ABORTIONS, count me out!!!   

From L to R: A serious A-hole, some major jerk, a player hater, and a total dick. Seriously, what crawled up their asses and died??