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Thursday
Apr282011

I'm Glad Not Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton and her zany hats will live happily ever after... and so will I!By: Meghan O'Keefe

Every girl born in the 1980's was raised with one dream: to marry Prince William. Tomorrow, Kate Middleton gets to be his bride. My mom is very upset by this, but I'm dealing with it graciously. I've even made a list of reasons why I'm happy I'm not marrying a Prince:

I'd have to give up my career. When you become a Princess, your life is about being loved by school children and having your hair brushed by sassy gay men. I'm not the kind of person who can live a life of leisure like that. I love the fulfillment of being an administrative assistant to financial research analysts too much to give it up.

I'd have to be a style icon. If I became Princess of England, I could never walk out of my apartment hungover on noon on a Sunday in my Marvel comics t-shirt and a pair of see-through leggings and snow boots. People would judge me for letting my muffin top roll over my waistband. How could I live a life wearing beautiful designer clothes that enslaved my spirit?

I'd have to live in a castle. Castles are old, large and impersonal. There's nothing cozy about living in a luxurious castle. I vastly prefer living in my two-bedroom apartment in Queens. Some say home is where the heart is, but it's also where the Indian couple across the hall screams at each other every night at 2AM.

I'd have to produce an heir and a spare. Marrying a prince is romantic, but it's also about making babies. Unlike Ms. Middleton, I'm not keen on delivering a baby just yet. I have a biological clock and I intend to hear it tick. I want to push my uterus to the outer limits of its baby-making potential only to adopt a Chinese daughter who will later resent me for not being her biological mother. I am a modern woman and don't need a child's love to give my life purpose.

So, you see, it's just not in me to be the future Queen of England. It's too much fun to be a nobody. I can make mistakes, have silly friends, and do anything I want. Congratulations on your marriage, Kate, but I think I'll have more fun sleeping during your wedding than you will knowing that for the rest of your life everyone will be waiting for you to mess up. Good luck (and I hope you accidentally burp during the ceremony because that would be hilarious)!

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