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Essays From Crazy People: Why the Resistance To Me Shouting Nonsense Sounds Into This Megaphone?

By: RJ Fried

Thank you for your feedback, concerned citizens. In response, let me just say that, whenever I get my panties in a bunch, I like to put things in perspective. That means reminding myself that, at the end of the day, we are all just a bunch of cells smacking into each other on a big ol’ rock revolving around an even bigger ball of fire in some corner of this humongous slab of space we call "our universe." That's all we are! Nuttin' but a bunch of little smackers. If that's the case (hint-hint: it is), then why get riled up about small stuff like me standing in the center of our town’s busiest intersection everyday from 5am to 10pm shouting nonsense sounds as loud as I can into a megaphone?

If anything, you should applaud me for pursuing my passion for shouting. Sure, tomorrow I might take interest in a different activity – I've always thought it'd be fun to paint trees – but today my passion is shouting at the top of my lungs. I'm a shoutin' gal head to toe and back again!

More importantly, you don't need to listen to my shouting. It's basically various animal noises, imitations of mechanical clacks and bangs, and any vocally expressible thing that happens to pop into my head – in other words, complete and utter nonsense. If I shouted something of value, you might feel compelled to stop and listen and be late for work, slowing production of our town’s material goods and potentially hurting our local economy.

Knock-knock, who's there, it’s urban decay.

Now that’s a cause for concern. Fortunately, it’s not the case here – this is just a sassy lady shouting away, occasionally taking a break to replace her megaphone’s batteries or gargle some saltwater.

And, frankly, I don't think it’s fair to suggest I do my shouting in the basement of my house and only during a reasonable hour. First of all, I’ve been so busy shouting these past few years that I haven’t gotten around to purchasing a house. I live in a condo in a hip part of town and I love it.

Second, let's say your passion was playing soccer. How would you react if I insisted you only kicked your soccer ball inside your basement and only for a half hour per day? Uh oh! Open mouth, insert turned table. I’ll tell you how you’d react, kemo sabe: you would become so frustrated that you’d quit your passion and now the world is one soccer player short because of a few whistleblowers with a voice louder than the silent majority. I bet if we polled all these pedestrians, a majority would say that my shouting is a positive influence on their day and, if they don't, they’re lying.

RJ Fried is co-creator/writer for Popzilla (MTV), contributing writer for Onion Sports Network (Comedy Central), a contributing writer for Huffington Post-Comedy, and a UCB-NY writing instructor.

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