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« Perhaps Steve Byrne Is So Funny You Forgot to Laugh? | Main | The Honey Shot - Phil Wells »
Thursday
May272010

Your Apartment Search Ends Now!!! 

By: Mike Drucker

***STOP LOOKING*** FOR A NEW APARTMENT TO LIVE IN BECAUSE THIS IS THE APARTMENT YOU WANT TO RENT! 

BEST VALUE YOU’LL FIND IN THE NEW YORK CITY NEIGHBORHOOD! 

***$1700!!!!*** 1 BR, 1 BATH, /W BLKNY, ELEC, GAS, HEAT, DOOR, CABINETS, MORE THAN ENOUGH CLOSET SPACE FOR ANY REASONABLE PERSON, HARDENED WOOD FLOORS. DID WE SAY SPACE EVERYWHERE? 10’ x 8’ = TWICE YOUR PERSONAL SIZE FOR HALF YOUR PERSONAL BUDGET! ***WOW!!!!!*** 

POST-WAR CONSTRUCTION MEANS NO SLAVES HAVE EVER BEEN MURDERED IN THIS APARTMENT! ***NO GHOSTS*** 

PROTECTED AND OWNED BY VENTRUE CLAN! THEY DO NOT FEED IN THE BUILDING BECAUSE THEY ***VALUE YOUR BUSINESS!*** 

PETS OKAY! WOOF / MEOW / BUBBLE BUBBLE FISH! 

THIS WILL BE RENTED IMMEDIATELY SO EMAIL US NOW BEFORE THIS AMAZING VALUE GOES TO SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT DESERVE WHAT YOU DESERVE! 

BLOCKS FROM SUBWAY & ONE TRUE CATHOLIC CHURCH!  

NEIGHBORHOOD SAFE. ***SO FEW PEDOPHILES*** CRIMES IN AREA ARE ALMOST ALL VICTIMLESS. DRUGS & POT AVAILABLE FROM TENANT (RENT AND FIND OUT WHICH ONE!) WITH PASSWORD “SOMEONE LEFT YOUR MAIL IN MY BOX.” BE COOL AND YOU WILL GET NO BETTER DEAL ON DRUGS & POT IN THE CITY!!! 

MOVE IN TODAY; ONLY PAY FOR NEXT MONTH AND MONTHS AFTER THAT! KITCHEN APPLIANCES WORK RIGHT OFF THE BAT, NO ELECTRICIANS TELLING YOU NONSENSE. LAST TENANT CLEANED OVEN BEFORE HE LEFT; ***NOTHING IN OVEN***! 

GREAT LOCATION FOR YOUNG PROFESSIONALS: SIX BLOCKS FROM BORDERS BOOKSTORE, GREAT COFFEE SHOP INSIDE BORDERS BOOKSTORE. 

ONLY IF YOURE SERIOUS ABOUT LIVING IN AN ***AMAZING*** APARTMENT SHOULD YOU APPLY TO THIS APARTMENT. SUPER WANTS TO RENT IMMEDIATELY AND ***LIFE IS TOO SHORT*** TO WASTE ON SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WANT THE ***BEST PLACE*** TO LIVE! 

  • CREDIT CHECK NECESSARY (BAD CREDIT OKAY; WE JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOU STAND)
  • APPLICATION NECESSARY (TELL US ABOUT YOU; WHAT MAKES YOU WANT TO LIVE IN SUCH AN AMAZING APARTMENT BESIDES A NOSE FOR GOOD DEALS?)
  • PROOF OF INCOME NECESSARY (NO FOOD STAMPS LOL / KIDDING, CHECK STUB FINE)
  • FIRST, LAST, SECURITY NECESSARY (STANDARD FOR ALL APARTMENTS, EVEN ***GREAT VALUES***)
  • MEETING WITH SUPER NECESSARY (VERY NICE MAN, JUST DOESN’T WANT A REPEAT OF LAST TENANT’S BITCHING ABOUT LITTLE STUFF)

 
FIND CARL OR CARLS WIFE ON MYSPACE AND PERSONAL MESSAGE THEM (YOURE A FRIEND NOW!) TO GET MAILED KEYS AT ONCE!!!!

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