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My Cousin Stefan from Hamburg

By: Robert Buscemi

My cousin Stefan (pronounced "SHTEFAN!!!") from Hamburg has been staying with (and BORING THE SHIT OUT OF) me, so I've been playing him DVDs of Freaks and Geeks.

I'm not sure he gets it. He says...

"But hoooow am I KNOWINGK, in zees SHOW... veech vuns ahh zee FREKS..."

And then he falls asleep for like three episodes. I watch ghost-ellipses float above him like Lawrence Welk bubbles. Then he wakes up abruptly and shouts...

"UND veech vuns..."

Two more episodes pass. He sleepily hums the fight song for the Düsseldorf Cyclones.

"...ahh zee GEKS?!"

I balk. "Shtefan! The title of the show just connotes high-school misfits generally! They're not gangs! And you don't just willy-nilly add a 'K' to the end of every 'ing' word. That's really annoy--"

"PERHAPS!!!" he counters. "Zuh two opposingk YOOTH GENGKS should vear ... VARSITY SVEATERS ... to IDENTIFYINGK THEMSELVES. For zee FREKS ... zey could vear zee YELLOW MOONS! And for zee GEKS ... zey could vear GREEN CLOVERS!"

"Shtefan! That's Celtic iconography!"

Stefan goes quiet, then betrays a toothy Rhine-region grin.

"Guessingk VAHT, Robert? Do you know vaht? I aaaahm zee FREK!"

Our ham-pineapple pizza arrives. We eat then hit the hay. He whispers to me from the opposite twin bed.


"No, Shtefan."

"Und YOU..."

"Yes, Shtefan."

"Ahh zee GEK!!!"

"Goodnight, Shtefan."

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  • Response
    NFL is seriously one particular of the largest sports in America. It has a key following.

Reader Comments (1)

Well done! About time the Apiary posted some original humor writing.

May 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMo Diggs

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