"We are vulnerable as a country as long as we don't use our helicopters," Gallagher says. Hypothetically, he believes that if an American freeway were bombed, the amount of traffic would be so staggering that there would be no way to escape, and thus people would die. His point was proven in [Hurricane Katrina] when "people were trying to get out of town, but were stymied on the road and eventually ran out of gas." Clogged freeways cannot be fixed, says Gallagher, with tow trucks. Instead, if we used helicopters to lift cars out of traffic jams, congestion would dissipate, and drivers would have an easier time finding refuge in the wake of a terrorist attack.

"Why do you think the President has a helicopter?" he asks me.

I think he's referring to Air Force One, which is a plane, but before I can respond, he's already provided the answer.

"Because there's no other way to get around."

Gallagher is so obsessed with this concept that he even shot a sort of PSA demonstrating how his idea works.



"I rented this helicopter for $10,000," he claims, "and you know who came to my house with their cameras? The Russians. I was on Russian television because Sikorski invented the helicopter. [Russians] like helicopter ideas." He explains these theories like a child reciting the alphabet--it's second nature.

Of course, if the terrorists don't get us first, we may just orchestrate our own demise. Protecting the environment is another one of Gallagher's passions, and he believes that it's the responsibility of the nation's children to steer us toward preserving a healthy planet. Having majored in chemical engineering in college, Gallagher speaks in scientific jargon that he assumes I understand, although I'm not quite sure he even cares if I'm listening at this point.

"Right now, I'm building costumes to turn kids into sub atomic particles: an electron, a neowan, a photon, and a microwave. I'm going to make a boy band out of them, and then I'm going to make a video and put it on YouTube. And I'm going to teach kids."

In fact, Gallagher has already made a video designed to educate children about environmental preservation. As "Uncle Earth," Gallagher mats down his unruly hair, attaches miniature trees and volcanoes to his face, and paints his entire upper body blue in an effort to draw the attention of kids who might not otherwise recognize an aerial view of Earth. As he rotates his body in front of a green screen, Uncle Earth sternly warns his audience not to "grow up like your parents and ruin the place they live." Complaining of landfills "full of diapers" and of a "hole in [his] ozone," we're told that something must change. Sounding as if the battery is about to run out on the camera, Gallagher's character, without pause, rattles off swift, bizarre non-sequiteurs like "Go get Daddy's Preparation H" and "You have to clean your room! That's not fair or consistent."



Maybe I don't get the joke, but it seems I'm not alone. After disc jockey Rick Dees met Gallagher's daughter at the hotel where she is Catering Manager, he passed along warm wishes to her father. Gallagher saw this as an invitation by Dees to drum up publicity for Uncle Earth, but Dees hasn't returned his calls or e-mails. He has since attempted to get in touch with environmental poster boy Al Gore, but "the girl who answered his phone to set up his appointments didn't know who I was!" he says, seething. While in Nashville, Gallagher then tried to contact Gore at his home, again to no avail.

AUDIO: "I Tried to Call Al Gore!"

Unsurprisingly, Gallagher also takes issue with another seemingly random, disconnected concept: semantics. When he last performed in New York, he stayed in West New York, New Jersey, a neighborhood populated mostly by Hispanics. "I feel sorry for the Mexicans and Puerto Ricans who come here," he says, "because you can't understand what Americans are saying by translating it word for word."

He continues, "If we tell somebody we're paid 'under the table,' – baja la mesa – that doesn't make any sense. If you say 'Don't spill the beans' to the kitchen staff, they'll think you're talking about beans. If you say 'He's small potatoes,' that guy might get small potatoes. Or if you say 'I've got too much on my plate,' you're not going to get your full entree. 'I'm going to throw in the towel,' 'You've got me up against the ropes,' 'That came out of left field,' 'I’ve got him on deck,' 'I'm going to swing for the fence,' 'Play your cards...that's not in the cards,' 'Playing my cards close to my chest,' - how can a person from another country understand that?"

Clearly, Gallagher has put a lot of thought into phrases getting lost in translation for non-native speakers of Hispanic descent - so much so, in fact, that while in West New York, he decided to "interview the locals."

"I went over to that Spanish area of West New York and hung out. I asked if they understood any of these phrases. None of them did. That's just more frustration for Gallagher!”

More frustration for Gallagher. It isn't hard to see that a lot of stuff bugs the guy. But to his credit, he doesn't just complain. His solutions to those things that drive him bananas no longer include merely smashing said bananas. No, his answers may be long-winded and mostly indecipherable, but they are, at the very least, answers.

So how to bridge the language gap between Americans and Hispanics? Before he would give me the answer, I was provided with a quick lesson from America's history books, as paraphrased by Gallagher:

"Francis Scott Key used the music for the national anthem for two other songs before it became The National Anthem. It was an English beer-drinkin' song, a bar song. One time I stayed in Annapolis, and [Francis Scott Key] went to St. John's University, so I did some research on it [while there]. We're telling the story of the flag...which is cute. It's cute! It's real macho and it says, 'Yes, I'm still here!'"

And with this, I'm completely lost. And, yet, it's somehow entirely appropriate that Gallagher explains the means by which we, as a country, can further widen the lines of communication between English speakers and non-speakers: by singing the National Anthem in Spanish at sporting events.

In fact, Gallagher did so... just for me. And now, for you:

AUDIO: Gallagher Sings the National Anthem in Spanish

On a perfect day for Gallagher, he would be cruising down a highway somewhere in America, smiling confidently as one helicopter after another would swoop in to pick up cars that would otherwise be causing gridlock and economic ruin. (And if, God forbid, Osama Bin Laden had planted a radioactive bomb under the very streets on which he was driving, he wouldn't have to worry about making a swift escape.) Gallagher would then turn on the radio to hear the voice of Carrie Underwood or Miley Cyrus singing the National Anthem in Spanish at a baseball game. After pulling into 40 Doors Resort, he would find himself surrounded by large groups of families celebrating reunions in giant beds and at circular tables with hollowed-out centers. Upon making his way into the kitchen, he'd jubilantly greet the Mexican dishwasher with, "I hear it's going to rain cats and dogs tomorrow!" to which the young man would respond, "Then you'd better bring your umbrella, because that means it will rain heavily!" Gallagher would then vacate to his office to find his email inbox filled with greetings and business offers from Al Gore, Donald Trump, Jim Cramer, and Rick Dees.

Unfortunately, this is not the world in which Gallagher lives.

But maybe he'll get there some day. It may just take a few more watermelons.

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Gallagher Country - Part 1