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April 4, 2007
From Behind the Bar at the UCBT - The Finale
By: Margot Leitman
After working at the UCB Theatre bar for three years, I've discovered that I have an endless amount of stories to tell. The job was offered to me a while back because I needed a little extra income as my relationship with the UCB theatre community was growing. I've appreciated my experiences working behind the bar at UCB as much as my experiences performing there. Here are some tales I thought I'd share with you this time around.
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS IN FIGHTS
There used to be a weekly stand-up show at UCB called "Hump Night." After Sean Conroy moved to LA it was briefly taken over by Roger Hailes before officially closing. Roger has one of the sweetest faces I have ever seen, so I was shocked at what came out of him the night he and I got in a huge fight with an audience member.
This group of really loud drunk guys who were visiting from the South came in, sat right in the front row pounding beers and heckling everyone. As a performer, I get very upset when audience members are disrespectful to the artists onstage. It's hard for me to separate it--I take it very personally and often act in defense of the comedians up there. So I went over and told the guys to be quiet. They rudely brushed me off. Then they tried to buy beer and I refused them service because they were too drunk, so they yelled at me interrupting the show even more. They sat back down and I actually saw one of the guys SPIT ON THE STAGE as a comedian finished up his set. I grabbed Roger and told him what I just saw and Roger immediately got on stage, grabbed the mic, got in the guy's face and said: "What the fuck is your problem man? I don't know where you think you are but I'll tell you where you aren't--you aren't in fucking Alabama!!" (I found this hilarious as Roger is southern himself, and was yelling this at him with his southern accent). "This is New York City! You don't heckle the comics, you don't yell at the bartender, and you sure as fuck don't spit on the fucking stage! Do you understand me or do I have to fucking kick you out? Do you fucking understand me?"
The guy shut his mouth, and we went on with the show. For that fleeting moment, Roger Hailes was my own personal Jack Bauer.
DINNER
The other night at work I pointed out how weird meals are during a shift at the UCB Theater. No other business operates like this. Manager Brian Waddell pointed out that the theatre operates somewhere between a business and a frat house, and I wholeheartedly agree. On a typical night, we all arrive, set up the theatre for the shift and then convene in the tiny box office to discuss what we're ordering for dinner. Everyone is included: the manager, interns, technician and bartender. Then we order food, go back to work, and when the food comes someone comes around notifying everyone. Then we all squeeze into the tiny box office and eat together. It's like a bizarre dysfunctional family meal. We talk about our love lives, jobs, careers, whatever. What other business eats together like this? I couldn't imagine everyone at a corporate office sitting together daily and having a meal where they stopped working and actually talked to each other. We don't have enough chairs in the office so someone always has to stand.
One time I grabbed a wheelchair from backstage so someone could sit in it for dinner. Chewing on my bacon cheeseburger, I looked around and saw five adults, in an age where technology and business have taken the place of basic human communication, sitting together in a tiny space enjoying a meal and having a genuine conversation. When I looked to my left and saw UCB manager Chuck D sitting in that wheelchair chowing down on his burger with catsup on his face, I thought to myself, "Someday I'll miss this. I hope when I have a family meals are just like this."
GOOD-BYE APIARY
Since I've started writing this column, I've received a multitude of compliments from readers. While it was really flattering to hear how many people both read and enjoyed it (and awesome to see how many other sites picked it up), it made me wonder: was I going to turn into Harvey Pekar? Was writing about my equivalent to Pekar's filing clerk job what was relatable to others? So of course, as soon as I embraced my day job (or night job in this case) and began writing about it, all these wonderful things started happening in my "real" career, and I found that I could hardly find nights free to work at the theatre anymore. That's always the way, as soon as you come to peace with something, it resolves itself. The way things are heading, I no longer feel like I’ll be working there forever; there was a time I feared that I might. Although I genuinely look forward to going to work now, I've become incredibly distracted whenever I'm there. The other night I was serving beers while typing on my laptop trying to get a script finished that was due the next day. Another time, I came into work to discover we were out of Bud and Bud Lite. I was stressed about a deadline and in a pissy mood. I put up a sign that read "No Bud, No Bud Lite, No Smalltalk." And mostly every customer obeyed. The rest of the staff laughed at it. Any other bar would have forced me to take that down or fired me for being so ridiculous. At this point, no one else in their right mind would ever hire me. I'm the world's worst employee: I can barely ever work, I get in fights with rude people, I write about incidents that occur at work in a very public forum, but for some reason the UCB keeps me around. I'm spoiled for life, no one else would ever put up with me.
And so, I feel like this is a perfect time to say good-bye to this column. Let's be realistic: if I keep it up, considering how little time I actually have to tend bar anymore, the writing will suffer. Sooner or later, I'll run out of stories and no new ones will be made if things keep going in the direction they are and my bartending schedule dwindles away. I'd rather go out on top leaving people wanting more, than having the internet equivalent to that last season of "Roseanne" when the Connors won the fucking lottery. So, thanks for reading, and thanks for all the glowing compliments from all the loyal readers that I've received every time I go into work now; it really makes my night.
"Bums and indolents, all of us working there realized our days were numbered. So we relaxed and waited for them to find out how inept we were. Meanwhile, we lived with the system, gave them a few honest hours, and drank together at night." -Charles Bukowski
PREVIOUSLY
From Behind the Bar at the UCBT - IV
From Behind the Bar at the UCBT - III
From Behind the Bar at the UCBT - II
From Behind the Bar at the UCBT - I
See Margot LIVE away from the bar TONIGHT, April 4 at 9pm as she co-hosts "Stripped Stories" with Giulia Rozzi. This month's theme: 'Guilty Pleasures'--true sex stories with The Rob and Mark Show, Anthony Atamanuik, and Nichelle Stephens. Mo Pitkins, 34 Ave. A. $5. Or see her LIVE tending the bar this Friday night. [Inset Margot Photo by Anya Garrett]
Posted by The Apiary at April 4, 2007 2:38 PM
Comments
Sad to see you go. I spoke to you once at the UCB (I said that I was also writing for The Apiary which I am [The Gag Reel]). I wish for the utmost success for you.
Posted by: Mo! at April 4, 2007 3:12 PM
*Golf claps*
Excellent work. You'll be missed.
Posted by: eliot at April 4, 2007 5:45 PM
this is - and always has been - a pleasure to read. sincerely.
Posted by: keith h. at April 4, 2007 6:08 PM
You're hot.
Posted by: anya. at April 5, 2007 1:16 AM
I love that you say "catsup".
Posted by: Andrew J. Lederer at April 10, 2007 3:53 PM